There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy.
The Beatles
In my recent readings about evolutionary psychology, something was clarified to me that I found interesting, even if not too surprising. What this science does, if you aren’t too familiar with it, is help clarify why people do the things they do, want what they want, and feel what they feel. For example, there’s a reason it feels good to have sex: if genes that didn’t find sex pleasurable were at one time in competition with genes that did find it pleasurable, then those species that carried the “pleasurable sex” gene of course had sex more often, and thus reproduced, lived on, and the gene spread to the point that it is the norm. It’s important to realize that even if we only think about desiring sex because it’s pleasurable and fun, and ignore the fact that our desire to have sex often is directly correlated to our natural, genetic tendency to want to reproduce, the fact remains that our genetics are the underlying, driving force.
So the thing I was reading about recently was that men are, by nature, less selective with their sexual partners than women simply because they haven’t had to be as selective. When there were no societal constraints, men were allowed to have sex, pass their genes along, and go off and do it again without having to tend to the mother and child. They had to make no investment beyond the time it took to have sex… whereas women were kind of stuck with the obligation of making sure their genes lived on.
Also, women cannot reproduce as frequently as men, and have fewer years where they are capable of reproduction. Women can only have so many children in their lifetime, so they have to make sure that when they do, they are having them with the best mates/genes they can find. Men, on the other hand, are free to play the numbers game and spread their seed through as many partners as are willing. Over time, men have tended to realize that it is better for their offspring if they stay around and supply them with resources, so the gene that signals parental investment has lived on. But even today, many men don’t seem to feel that obligation. There is no denying that women are inherently making a greater investment when they agree to reproduce than men are.
This is why women have the natural tendency towards being selective about their partners. By nature, they have more to lose if they make the wrong choice. Even if in modern society women aren’t reasoning out in their heads, “I only want to sleep with a guy who has good genes and will stick around and be a good father in the event I get pregnant,” they still have that tendency to be selective. Today, with contraceptives readily available, women know that they can go out into the singles market, find someone to sleep with for the pleasure of it, and have little risk of getting pregnant. But nevertheless, that feeling that they can’t just give it up to anyone is still there, clearly, and more so than in men.
So there are these genetic forces still affecting us today, and setting up the pattern of the dating game that women are generally more coy, and men generally more eager. Women still require more from their potential partner to make sex desirable… at least on average.
Because of this, one could argue that it’s natural for men to lie and misrepresent themselves in favor of passing on their genes as many times as possible. In fact, those that were good at this surely have been more capable of spreading their genes over time than those who weren’t, so it makes sense that this skill would be abundant. But at the same time, it’s important to recognize that women have been increasing their ability to identify when the male is trying to mislead her. It makes sense that the women throughout history who were good at screening their partners and thus finding the alpha male to reproduce with would be the ones whose genes would survive, since their children are thereby stronger and better cared for by their parents.
Okay, so now we understand why things are the way that they are; why we tend to play the "“mislead / be wary of people trying to mislead you” game. Once this is acknowledged, does it not seem somewhat silly, and perhaps unnecessary? I would also suggest that this setup can be inhibiting to not only our dating lives, but to our personal development as well.
Our current dating game causes a lot of distress while we’re in it… and even when people think they’ve won, 50% of the time they end up back where they started. I think it’s time to identify the inherent flaws in what we do now, and move towards something more honest, satisfying and effective.
…So the basic problem out there is that people who possess undesirable, and in some way unhealthy qualities (could be insecure, mean-spirited, insensitive, generally incapable, needy or generally unlikely to think through the consequences of their actions) go out into the dating scene and try to pretend that they aren’t that way, often through some form of manipulation, rather than addressing the deeper issues.
Now this isn’t actually so bad in general terms, because none of us are perfect but we still want to date- but it is a problem when a person doesn’t even fully recognize that they have a problem. The classic example of this is the jerk that manipulates women into sleeping with him, and eventually cheats on his wife and leaves his family. He is able to get by in our current dating game by manipulating others, and thus doesn’t have the need to identify what is wrong with what he’s doing.
Another classic example, who I don’t like to be as harsh on, is the guy who is highly insecure or awkward for some reason or another, but just keeps going out there and avoids taking the necessary steps to correct his inhibiting flaws. Often it is the confusion involved in the game, along with a lack of clarity as to what traits would be truly desirable, that inhibits his ability change.
The point here is that if you aren’t someone who would reasonably be considered to be a fairly ideal mate (with all manipulation and misconceptions cleared away), nor are you working to become as close to that as one could reasonably expect, there are always going to be more problems. And the dating game, as it is now, is pushing people more in the wrong direction than right.
Now, one thing about all of this is that I’m kind of assuming people are looking for potential husbands and wives when they go out, when often they are just looking for a good time. So in this instance, is there any problem with a mutual manipulation that ends with two people satisfying their desires? I suppose not… but it’s not as good as two people genuinely liking each other and sleeping together and simply not worrying about commitment, without involving all the games. Also, people all too often allow themselves to simply say, “I just want to have fun for awhile before marriage,” manipulate people into sleeping with them, surely mislead and hurt some along the way, and during this time frame don’t really do anything to make themselves into suitable happy-marriage material.
And the important thing to remember about that is that doing so isn't even really serving the person's self-interest. Not only because they are not ideal marriage material, but because in the end sleeping with many people without the intent of reproduction isn’t deeply satisfying (though it does satisfy some desires quite well). And I believe it’s particularly unsatisfying when a misrepresentation of self was necessary to achieve it.
And the reason that this lifestyle lacks in satisfaction is simple when looked at from an evolutionary point of view: Today, a person doesn’t get to actually reproduce until their partner has fully evaluated them. (At least, that is what we generally try to do) So random, meaningless sex is not deeply satisfying because you are aware, on some level, that despite your ability to get people to sleep with you under superficial circumstances, none of the most intelligent ones- the “alpha males and females”- are actually going to want to reproduce with you once they get to know you.
To go back to what I touched upon earlier, it is a reasonable conclusion that those who are actually genetically inferior in terms of intelligence (among other things) would be the ones who are best at pretending to be good mates, since they would have developed this skill out of necessity to survive. So perhaps we shouldn’t expect any different from them…
…In contrast, if you’re someone like me who actually is a great potential mate, and plenty of women want to sleep with you (not as much like me) for the pleasure of it, even without the intention of reproducing… I don’t see much problem with that…
The final question then is, should us “superior” people play the “mislead and impress” game anyway, because at this point it’s so widely played that to sit out will leave you sad and alone? Well, maybe to some degree. We all have to find out for ourselves. If you’re deeply unsatisfied not playing it, give it a shot and then evaluate how much better you feel, and whether or not it’s bringing you towards your goals in life. But I also think that if you have been playing it, you have to give not playing it a shot and see where that gets you. Because fortunately I think that these days there are enough people, even young people, who can see right through that game that we don’t need it to find satisfactory partners- and when we do, it’s deep satisfaction, too, because it was the true self that drew the attraction.
In the end, to me, if you can’t really attract a mate with your true self, then that means you’ve probably got some serious, underlying issues to deal with and/or skills to develop if you want to live a deeply happy and satisfying life. And simply trying to make it seem like you don’t have those issues isn’t going to work (or if it does, know that it’s a copout, and will lead to problems down the road). Of course, most people may not have the ability or will to aptly confront these issues. I just think that those of us who are capable of thriving without this “dating game” need to make the majority adapt to us, rather than adapting to them.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Mission Statement, Adam Smith- Revisted
Adam Smith is known for his explanation of how rational self-interest and competition, operating in a social framework depending on adherence to moral obligations, can lead to economic prosperity and well-being.
Wikipedia
Somehow, Adam Smith and his “every man acting in his own self-interest will serve the communal interest” mentality recently came to my mind, and I realized that this is the underlying theory not only to free markets, but also to this blog. As I have been discussing in my other posts, I find that acting in our own self-interest essentially means being good, caring, positive and helpful to others. Thus it makes sense that Adam Smith’s underlying principle would be the backbone to developing an optimal society, just as it is for developing an optimal economy.
What’s hugely important to recognize is that Mr. Smith’s theory for the economy wouldn’t have worked if people weren’t good entrepreneurs. If people had all the wrong ideas about running a business, this free-market economy never would have gotten off the ground. It’s essentially the same thing when our goal is to lead the best life we can. We act in our own self-interest, but we will not find much success if we are off-base on what that is.
If you’re a fan of the show It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you may have seen the gang haplessly try to execute a plan of buying up thousands of dollars worth of gasoline with the intention of selling it a year later when the prices had gone up. Clearly, they thought that executing this business plan was in their own self-interest, but their methods were so flawed from the start that no one ended up actually benefiting, and in fact a great deal of loss was incurred. On the other hand, a well-thought out, intelligent business model like that of Microsoft Corp. led to great benefits for the creators, the market, and the consumers.
It is almost astounding how well this theory also applies to how we live our lives. We may all think we are generally acting in our own self-interest, but unless our plan is fully sound, we may well be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
First, we have the people who have very little knowledge of- or interest in finding out- what brings about true, deeply grounded happiness, but are out there living anyway. We can equate these people to those with a business plan similar to the “gas hoarding” on Always Sunny. Their plan is flawed from the start. These people could be lazy thieves who abuse others and are constantly angry, but they think their actions are generally in their own self-interest. In the end, they, society, and those around them all suffer. This business plan, and this life plan, is a loss for everyone involved.
Then there are the normal, generally rational people who can operate a mediocre but sufficient business, just as they live, well, mediocre but sufficient lives. Say that someone has taken enough business classes and thought through their business model enough to operate a moderately successful business. They get something from it, others get something from it, and it even contributes a bit to the overall economy. Similarly, we have the average citizen. This person is logical, thinks about things, and they have a pretty good idea of what makes them happy: a decent “business plan”. Thus, they do live decently happy lives, they do contribute something to the lives of others, and maybe even a little bit to the society around them as well. There’s just the question of whether or not this is what you’re going to settle for.
So finally, there’s the Microsofts: great ideas, great planning, great execution. Clearly the owners were acting in their own self-interest to build this billion dollar corporation, and the reason it had such great success is that they really took the time to figure out what it takes to find that kind of success, and worked hard to get there.
…So, well, we all have to do the same for ourselves:
First, you have the idea: Live a deeply satisfying, consistently happy, meaningful life.
Second, you constantly think through how to achieve this by getting in touch with what really, actually works: Do research, gain an understanding of life, yourself, and what goes into a deeply satisfying, consistently happy, meaningful life.
Third (to be intertwined with the second): You execute.
The people who do this find it greatly rewarding for themselves, they contribute more to the happiness of others, and they are contributing to the betterment of society as a whole. If you don’t see the path to how your business will be a huge success, it almost never will be. It’s the same thing: If you don’t see the path to a profoundly happy life, you are probably never going to get there.
This is why one of the main objectives of this blog is to get in touch with what acting in our own self-interest really is. This is step 2 in the 3 step process I just mentioned.
I find it endlessly comforting to be finding out more and more that our self-interest and the interest of humanity truly go hand-in-hand.
Wikipedia
Somehow, Adam Smith and his “every man acting in his own self-interest will serve the communal interest” mentality recently came to my mind, and I realized that this is the underlying theory not only to free markets, but also to this blog. As I have been discussing in my other posts, I find that acting in our own self-interest essentially means being good, caring, positive and helpful to others. Thus it makes sense that Adam Smith’s underlying principle would be the backbone to developing an optimal society, just as it is for developing an optimal economy.
What’s hugely important to recognize is that Mr. Smith’s theory for the economy wouldn’t have worked if people weren’t good entrepreneurs. If people had all the wrong ideas about running a business, this free-market economy never would have gotten off the ground. It’s essentially the same thing when our goal is to lead the best life we can. We act in our own self-interest, but we will not find much success if we are off-base on what that is.
If you’re a fan of the show It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you may have seen the gang haplessly try to execute a plan of buying up thousands of dollars worth of gasoline with the intention of selling it a year later when the prices had gone up. Clearly, they thought that executing this business plan was in their own self-interest, but their methods were so flawed from the start that no one ended up actually benefiting, and in fact a great deal of loss was incurred. On the other hand, a well-thought out, intelligent business model like that of Microsoft Corp. led to great benefits for the creators, the market, and the consumers.
It is almost astounding how well this theory also applies to how we live our lives. We may all think we are generally acting in our own self-interest, but unless our plan is fully sound, we may well be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
First, we have the people who have very little knowledge of- or interest in finding out- what brings about true, deeply grounded happiness, but are out there living anyway. We can equate these people to those with a business plan similar to the “gas hoarding” on Always Sunny. Their plan is flawed from the start. These people could be lazy thieves who abuse others and are constantly angry, but they think their actions are generally in their own self-interest. In the end, they, society, and those around them all suffer. This business plan, and this life plan, is a loss for everyone involved.
Then there are the normal, generally rational people who can operate a mediocre but sufficient business, just as they live, well, mediocre but sufficient lives. Say that someone has taken enough business classes and thought through their business model enough to operate a moderately successful business. They get something from it, others get something from it, and it even contributes a bit to the overall economy. Similarly, we have the average citizen. This person is logical, thinks about things, and they have a pretty good idea of what makes them happy: a decent “business plan”. Thus, they do live decently happy lives, they do contribute something to the lives of others, and maybe even a little bit to the society around them as well. There’s just the question of whether or not this is what you’re going to settle for.
So finally, there’s the Microsofts: great ideas, great planning, great execution. Clearly the owners were acting in their own self-interest to build this billion dollar corporation, and the reason it had such great success is that they really took the time to figure out what it takes to find that kind of success, and worked hard to get there.
…So, well, we all have to do the same for ourselves:
First, you have the idea: Live a deeply satisfying, consistently happy, meaningful life.
Second, you constantly think through how to achieve this by getting in touch with what really, actually works: Do research, gain an understanding of life, yourself, and what goes into a deeply satisfying, consistently happy, meaningful life.
Third (to be intertwined with the second): You execute.
The people who do this find it greatly rewarding for themselves, they contribute more to the happiness of others, and they are contributing to the betterment of society as a whole. If you don’t see the path to how your business will be a huge success, it almost never will be. It’s the same thing: If you don’t see the path to a profoundly happy life, you are probably never going to get there.
This is why one of the main objectives of this blog is to get in touch with what acting in our own self-interest really is. This is step 2 in the 3 step process I just mentioned.
I find it endlessly comforting to be finding out more and more that our self-interest and the interest of humanity truly go hand-in-hand.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Step 2: The Abolishment of Negativity
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?
Sheryl Crow
Well Sheryl, I may just have the answer for you… most people simply aren’t in touch with what really makes them happy. They are filled with very vague ideas of what they want, but haven’t really thought about why they want those things, or what their ultimate objectives really are. This is why you see people having affairs, or marriages, that they regret. And it’s the breeding ground for the mid-life crisis moment of, “What was the real purpose of making money and building this life for myself anyway? This isn’t satisfying…” Everyone knows that any important decision or goal should be thought through, but few people know how to think through these things properly. Or, such as in the case of an affair, they know what they are doing isn’t a good idea, but they do not have a deep enough understanding of what makes them happy- they are not in touch with themselves enough- to actually avoid it.
(Editors note: I apologize in advance for the self-help tone here. It’s rough, somehow I just couldn’t avoid it.)
Fortunately, getting in touch with your desires and what makes you happy isn’t actually that difficult if you go about it the right way. If you take the time to reflect and think about what actions and thought processes make you feel positive emotions (satisfaction, happiness) and what actions and thought processes make you feel negative emotion (dissatisfaction, apathy, guilt, anger), the path to happiness becomes clearer and clearer.
Good deeds, positive emotion, treating others well, pursuing hobbies and goals- these things make us happy. They add to our lives in many powerfully rewarding ways. Studies even show that people with these traits live longer.
Deception, negativity, treating others poorly, watching mindless television for four hours straight- these things cause distress and bad feelings. They detract significantly from our enjoyment of life, and our potential. Why would you want that?
It’s important to realize that negative people aren’t somehow inherently more in touch with reality- this usually being their justification for their attitude. Granted, some people are positive and good more out of ignorance and simple-mindedness than that they have a well-thought-out life-philosophy, but that fact alone by no means implies that it is more reasonable to be negative. I, in fact, think that it is more reasonable to be positive.
To take a quick step ahead- when you are feeling sad or negative it is actually more difficult to think clearly because your body/brain is working to combat the negative emotion (i.e. that familiar headache you develop). This is further proved by studies that show that negativity weakens the immune system. Negativity, I have come to believe (and will probably eventually try to convince you) is essentially a weakness, and little more. It results in health concerns and inhibits personal growth. As a species, we have needed it because it helps in our survival by considering possible threats, but we make the mistake of using it in our everyday lives where there are no real threats (social situations, wondering how others feel about us, how we perceive our personal potential). And whatever threats are there in these less critical situations can be, I believe, fully overcome with a positive attitude. Or, at least, a neutral attitude and sound logic.
The benefits of negativity- seeing potential problems so you can avoid them, staying grounded in reality- can actually all be addressed pretty well with logic and education alone. For example, if your dream is to become a screenwriter, the attitude of “Ah I’ll never make it anyway and would just end up poor and depressed,” isn’t really getting you anywhere, and is in and of itself actually depressing. Honestly, I think there are people out there who wish they could have been screenwriters, but had that thought, left it at that and just went the cubicle route instead. Whereas a person looking at the situation without a slant towards negativity (or positivity for that matter), using reason and risk/reward analysis, will consider the same threats, probably won’t leave feeling as depressed, and also keeps open the possibility that maybe they can achieve that dream. For example: “Alright, trying to become a screenwriter is a very risky, volatile career. Can I afford to not have steady income for a few years? Are there people who will support me? …Will I be able to survive, and later on change career paths if I can tell it’s really not working out? Is screenwriting even really something I feel I need to do, and am really capable of success at? Perhaps I’d be better off trying to become a producer, then work my way into screenwriting later. Or perhaps another, more stable field like publishing, which also involves creativity, makes more sense for me. But first, I should really take a good look at what it takes to be a screenwriter…” The point is, no matter what you end up deciding, if you’ve really thought it through as best you can you won’t have that mid-life crisis moment where you wonder if maybe you should’ve taken a shot at your dream before it was too late. You won’t be filled with regret, because your mind was clear all along as to what choices were good for you, and which wouldn’t be worth it. Negativity doesn’t allow for that. A negative mindset is lacking mental clarity, because it shoots the issue down before it’s been fully examined, and given a shot at every angle.
Negative people may think they are realists, but they aren’t actually seeing things clearly. They aren’t seeing the full reality of how, if done properly, things can and often will turn out great.
The truth is, I've spent much of my life on the side of negativity and pessimism. These days, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m an optimist. But it’s important to recognize that I didn’t decide to become an optimist, and then developed these views. It was simply that as I grew up, tried new things, met different people, gained perspective and a capacity for understanding, and educated myself on relevant topics, I started to see everything more clearly. For me, optimism actually goes hand-in-hand with realism.
… I was going to keep rambling, but it’s getting late and I said I’d have a post up tonight, so I’ll do that another time.
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?
Sheryl Crow
Well Sheryl, I may just have the answer for you… most people simply aren’t in touch with what really makes them happy. They are filled with very vague ideas of what they want, but haven’t really thought about why they want those things, or what their ultimate objectives really are. This is why you see people having affairs, or marriages, that they regret. And it’s the breeding ground for the mid-life crisis moment of, “What was the real purpose of making money and building this life for myself anyway? This isn’t satisfying…” Everyone knows that any important decision or goal should be thought through, but few people know how to think through these things properly. Or, such as in the case of an affair, they know what they are doing isn’t a good idea, but they do not have a deep enough understanding of what makes them happy- they are not in touch with themselves enough- to actually avoid it.
(Editors note: I apologize in advance for the self-help tone here. It’s rough, somehow I just couldn’t avoid it.)
Fortunately, getting in touch with your desires and what makes you happy isn’t actually that difficult if you go about it the right way. If you take the time to reflect and think about what actions and thought processes make you feel positive emotions (satisfaction, happiness) and what actions and thought processes make you feel negative emotion (dissatisfaction, apathy, guilt, anger), the path to happiness becomes clearer and clearer.
Good deeds, positive emotion, treating others well, pursuing hobbies and goals- these things make us happy. They add to our lives in many powerfully rewarding ways. Studies even show that people with these traits live longer.
Deception, negativity, treating others poorly, watching mindless television for four hours straight- these things cause distress and bad feelings. They detract significantly from our enjoyment of life, and our potential. Why would you want that?
It’s important to realize that negative people aren’t somehow inherently more in touch with reality- this usually being their justification for their attitude. Granted, some people are positive and good more out of ignorance and simple-mindedness than that they have a well-thought-out life-philosophy, but that fact alone by no means implies that it is more reasonable to be negative. I, in fact, think that it is more reasonable to be positive.
To take a quick step ahead- when you are feeling sad or negative it is actually more difficult to think clearly because your body/brain is working to combat the negative emotion (i.e. that familiar headache you develop). This is further proved by studies that show that negativity weakens the immune system. Negativity, I have come to believe (and will probably eventually try to convince you) is essentially a weakness, and little more. It results in health concerns and inhibits personal growth. As a species, we have needed it because it helps in our survival by considering possible threats, but we make the mistake of using it in our everyday lives where there are no real threats (social situations, wondering how others feel about us, how we perceive our personal potential). And whatever threats are there in these less critical situations can be, I believe, fully overcome with a positive attitude. Or, at least, a neutral attitude and sound logic.
The benefits of negativity- seeing potential problems so you can avoid them, staying grounded in reality- can actually all be addressed pretty well with logic and education alone. For example, if your dream is to become a screenwriter, the attitude of “Ah I’ll never make it anyway and would just end up poor and depressed,” isn’t really getting you anywhere, and is in and of itself actually depressing. Honestly, I think there are people out there who wish they could have been screenwriters, but had that thought, left it at that and just went the cubicle route instead. Whereas a person looking at the situation without a slant towards negativity (or positivity for that matter), using reason and risk/reward analysis, will consider the same threats, probably won’t leave feeling as depressed, and also keeps open the possibility that maybe they can achieve that dream. For example: “Alright, trying to become a screenwriter is a very risky, volatile career. Can I afford to not have steady income for a few years? Are there people who will support me? …Will I be able to survive, and later on change career paths if I can tell it’s really not working out? Is screenwriting even really something I feel I need to do, and am really capable of success at? Perhaps I’d be better off trying to become a producer, then work my way into screenwriting later. Or perhaps another, more stable field like publishing, which also involves creativity, makes more sense for me. But first, I should really take a good look at what it takes to be a screenwriter…” The point is, no matter what you end up deciding, if you’ve really thought it through as best you can you won’t have that mid-life crisis moment where you wonder if maybe you should’ve taken a shot at your dream before it was too late. You won’t be filled with regret, because your mind was clear all along as to what choices were good for you, and which wouldn’t be worth it. Negativity doesn’t allow for that. A negative mindset is lacking mental clarity, because it shoots the issue down before it’s been fully examined, and given a shot at every angle.
Negative people may think they are realists, but they aren’t actually seeing things clearly. They aren’t seeing the full reality of how, if done properly, things can and often will turn out great.
The truth is, I've spent much of my life on the side of negativity and pessimism. These days, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m an optimist. But it’s important to recognize that I didn’t decide to become an optimist, and then developed these views. It was simply that as I grew up, tried new things, met different people, gained perspective and a capacity for understanding, and educated myself on relevant topics, I started to see everything more clearly. For me, optimism actually goes hand-in-hand with realism.
… I was going to keep rambling, but it’s getting late and I said I’d have a post up tonight, so I’ll do that another time.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Google Ad Commentary #1
I noticed today that one of the Google Adsense ads on this blog is for the SATs. Is there really a big market of people who are going to take the SATs that aren't already forced into it by their parents / high school / common sense?
Someone just surfing the web in their free time who knows they'd like to go to college at some point but hasn't thought at all about how to do it sees the ad, "Man, I've got to take those. I should probably just register now."
Anyway... expect a new, relevant post tonight.
Someone just surfing the web in their free time who knows they'd like to go to college at some point but hasn't thought at all about how to do it sees the ad, "Man, I've got to take those. I should probably just register now."
Anyway... expect a new, relevant post tonight.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Understanding Our Motives: The Benefit of Being Good
You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now, star
'Cause that's your best bet
311
We’re all familiar with the way that children incessantly ask, “Why?” I think the way that this classically ends is with the adult getting frustrated, yelling, “I don’t know, that’s just the way it is!” and somehow forcibly separating himself from the inquisitive mind. The interesting thing about this situation is that if it wasn’t some squeaky voiced kid with a chocolate milk stain on his chin asking you these questions, but someone you actually had to justify yourself to (i.e. you questioning yourself), and you really tried to come up with a satisfying answer to each question, this could be a very helpful exercise. So this post is basically about the conclusions I draw from that line of questioning.
So let’s cut out all the individualized, matter-of-preference stuff and get down to this theoretical starting point, “Why?”
“Because I want to be a good person.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be happy, and fulfilled, and have meaning in my life.”
Now we can stop there, for now, because we’ve already raised the hugely complex question of: How does being a good person lead to a happy, fulfilled, meaningful life?
(Before I go on, I’d just like to point out that it’s a shame how many people, when asked “Why?” over and over again, would go from “Because I need money” to “Because I want to be happy” and never address questions of what gives them deep, lasting happiness, overwhelming joy, fulfillment or meaning- they’ve kind of given up on those vague ideas and settled for something lesser.)
Many people say that you will have to compromise just how good of a person you are in order to be happy. If you are infinitely nice, honest, respectful, people will walk all over you and you’ll never be able to find success in the real world. Well, I agree with that. It’s like I said in my first post, survival takes precedence over being good.
Additionally, beyond pure survival, I personally would probably also side with the people who would rather live comfortably and be able to comfortably support their family than be nice and honest to every single person they meet. And I’m not giving away everything to charity that isn’t absolutely essential to my survival. I am, however, working towards being as good as I can while also achieving my goals.
So at this point, you may be like, “Right, well we all try to get what we want while also trying to be good people.” I agree generally. We all want to find "success" while also being good people, but that is not how many of us actually live day-to-day. Because by being good, I don’t just mean being “not bad”. I’m talking about being positive, supporting each other, seeking out justice… I’m talking about making it known to a person through the way you communicate with them that you think they are capable of great things. Avoiding doing anything like misleading or embarrassing someone, or in any small way hurting someone else for your own benefit. And I don’t just recommend this for the sake of trying to uphold a moral code- I recommend it because I think it is in our nature to desire to be this way, and acting in accordance with that is what brings about happiness in life.
Now there are certainly naturally occurring motives for self-centeredness, pessimism, putting others down. I would just argue that these motives are the ones we want to move away from… and- to get both more profound and more controversial- we are “supposed” to move away from.
My logic here, as motivated in part by many psychologists, scientists, and the books of Martin Seligman and Robert Wright, is that there is a reason we feel good when doing good things, and bad when doing bad things. Guilt, jealousy, and even the mild headache that comes along with pessimism- these are all bad feelings that essentially come from our bodies- our nature- telling us to avoid doing the things that cause them. Why else would we as humans have these feelings? They certainly don’t benefit us from a pure survival standpoint.
This is also why we see that glaring lack of true, honest happiness (as well as the lack of mental clarity) that comes with being a bully, thief, or scheming CEO. Your body and your nature just won’t allow you to feel happy and fulfilled if you conduct yourself like that. These people miss out on the very best things in life, and engrain several unnecessary bad feelings into their moment-to-moment life, simply because their idea of what’s best for their own self-interest is way off.
To me, the fact that our body rewards us with feelings of happiness for doing truly good things, and punishes us with negative emotion when we do even remotely bad things, is enough for me to make a real attempt at doing as much good as I can, and as little bad as I can.
Thus, it is my recommendation that you get in touch with both what you do and the ways you think that lead to positive feelings, as well as the ones that lead to negative feelings. Then increase the activities that make you feel really good and fulfilled, and decrease the ones that lead to dissatisfaction and negativity. Find the optimum balance. And don’t worry about this making you stupidly optimistic and positive- most of us have enough negativity and doubt engrained into our thought patterns that we can't legitimately run this risk.
Of course “being good” isn’t all we need to do to find happiness, but it’s certainly and unmistakably an essential ingredient. So yes, if you are a good person you will, in my mind, almost undoubtedly be happier and lead a better life.
...
A major counterpoint when I bring something like this up in discussion is an extension of the idea that society is too evil for people to try and be good all time- again, you’ll be taken advantage of and have trouble really getting anywhere in life. Well, if this is your stance, I think you’re reading me as a little more idealistic than I am. You don’t have to be perfectly and undoubtedly good in all your actions- just make an effort to do it as much as possible. As an extreme example, if you’re going to be murdered, I of course endorse taking whatever actions of self-defense are necessary. The thing is, to me, you know this is okay to do because your body doesn’t really fill you with those feelings of guilt when you do it. And yes, I think there’s a reason for that: defending yourself was what you were “supposed” to do, so your body/mind is not going to punish you.
All I’m saying is that when you are making a decision or action and you know (or at least you would know if you really thought about it) that a negative emotion (whether it be guilt or some other negative feeling) will come along with it- rethink it, and try to avoid it. Not just because it’s the “right” thing to do by some subjective moral guideline, but because being “good” is actually acting in your own self interest- it will make you happier. And that’s what everyone really wants, right? Happiness? Good, I think we’re getting there…
…I think the area that is most begging to be discussed in more depth is this idea of being good being what we are “supposed” to do. “Says who?” you might ask. Well, in short, I think it’s either God, or it’s the nature of evolving life. The point is that our bodies and minds essentially direct us towards good, and away from bad, through the feelings we have when we act one way or the other. And acting in accordance with that is how we find happiness. Figuring out why doesn’t change that. In fact, even if the theory that we're supposed to be good is wrong, it doesn't change the fact that being good is essential to fully realizing happiness. Still, it is interesting to look into the idea that being good is a part of our purpose in life. I also want to address further that it’s not only being good in a “good vs. evil” way, but that treating others well, having a positive attitude, etc. is also- quite undoubtedly in my mind- what we are “supposed” to do.
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now, star
'Cause that's your best bet
311
We’re all familiar with the way that children incessantly ask, “Why?” I think the way that this classically ends is with the adult getting frustrated, yelling, “I don’t know, that’s just the way it is!” and somehow forcibly separating himself from the inquisitive mind. The interesting thing about this situation is that if it wasn’t some squeaky voiced kid with a chocolate milk stain on his chin asking you these questions, but someone you actually had to justify yourself to (i.e. you questioning yourself), and you really tried to come up with a satisfying answer to each question, this could be a very helpful exercise. So this post is basically about the conclusions I draw from that line of questioning.
So let’s cut out all the individualized, matter-of-preference stuff and get down to this theoretical starting point, “Why?”
“Because I want to be a good person.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be happy, and fulfilled, and have meaning in my life.”
Now we can stop there, for now, because we’ve already raised the hugely complex question of: How does being a good person lead to a happy, fulfilled, meaningful life?
(Before I go on, I’d just like to point out that it’s a shame how many people, when asked “Why?” over and over again, would go from “Because I need money” to “Because I want to be happy” and never address questions of what gives them deep, lasting happiness, overwhelming joy, fulfillment or meaning- they’ve kind of given up on those vague ideas and settled for something lesser.)
Many people say that you will have to compromise just how good of a person you are in order to be happy. If you are infinitely nice, honest, respectful, people will walk all over you and you’ll never be able to find success in the real world. Well, I agree with that. It’s like I said in my first post, survival takes precedence over being good.
Additionally, beyond pure survival, I personally would probably also side with the people who would rather live comfortably and be able to comfortably support their family than be nice and honest to every single person they meet. And I’m not giving away everything to charity that isn’t absolutely essential to my survival. I am, however, working towards being as good as I can while also achieving my goals.
So at this point, you may be like, “Right, well we all try to get what we want while also trying to be good people.” I agree generally. We all want to find "success" while also being good people, but that is not how many of us actually live day-to-day. Because by being good, I don’t just mean being “not bad”. I’m talking about being positive, supporting each other, seeking out justice… I’m talking about making it known to a person through the way you communicate with them that you think they are capable of great things. Avoiding doing anything like misleading or embarrassing someone, or in any small way hurting someone else for your own benefit. And I don’t just recommend this for the sake of trying to uphold a moral code- I recommend it because I think it is in our nature to desire to be this way, and acting in accordance with that is what brings about happiness in life.
Now there are certainly naturally occurring motives for self-centeredness, pessimism, putting others down. I would just argue that these motives are the ones we want to move away from… and- to get both more profound and more controversial- we are “supposed” to move away from.
My logic here, as motivated in part by many psychologists, scientists, and the books of Martin Seligman and Robert Wright, is that there is a reason we feel good when doing good things, and bad when doing bad things. Guilt, jealousy, and even the mild headache that comes along with pessimism- these are all bad feelings that essentially come from our bodies- our nature- telling us to avoid doing the things that cause them. Why else would we as humans have these feelings? They certainly don’t benefit us from a pure survival standpoint.
This is also why we see that glaring lack of true, honest happiness (as well as the lack of mental clarity) that comes with being a bully, thief, or scheming CEO. Your body and your nature just won’t allow you to feel happy and fulfilled if you conduct yourself like that. These people miss out on the very best things in life, and engrain several unnecessary bad feelings into their moment-to-moment life, simply because their idea of what’s best for their own self-interest is way off.
To me, the fact that our body rewards us with feelings of happiness for doing truly good things, and punishes us with negative emotion when we do even remotely bad things, is enough for me to make a real attempt at doing as much good as I can, and as little bad as I can.
Thus, it is my recommendation that you get in touch with both what you do and the ways you think that lead to positive feelings, as well as the ones that lead to negative feelings. Then increase the activities that make you feel really good and fulfilled, and decrease the ones that lead to dissatisfaction and negativity. Find the optimum balance. And don’t worry about this making you stupidly optimistic and positive- most of us have enough negativity and doubt engrained into our thought patterns that we can't legitimately run this risk.
Of course “being good” isn’t all we need to do to find happiness, but it’s certainly and unmistakably an essential ingredient. So yes, if you are a good person you will, in my mind, almost undoubtedly be happier and lead a better life.
...
A major counterpoint when I bring something like this up in discussion is an extension of the idea that society is too evil for people to try and be good all time- again, you’ll be taken advantage of and have trouble really getting anywhere in life. Well, if this is your stance, I think you’re reading me as a little more idealistic than I am. You don’t have to be perfectly and undoubtedly good in all your actions- just make an effort to do it as much as possible. As an extreme example, if you’re going to be murdered, I of course endorse taking whatever actions of self-defense are necessary. The thing is, to me, you know this is okay to do because your body doesn’t really fill you with those feelings of guilt when you do it. And yes, I think there’s a reason for that: defending yourself was what you were “supposed” to do, so your body/mind is not going to punish you.
All I’m saying is that when you are making a decision or action and you know (or at least you would know if you really thought about it) that a negative emotion (whether it be guilt or some other negative feeling) will come along with it- rethink it, and try to avoid it. Not just because it’s the “right” thing to do by some subjective moral guideline, but because being “good” is actually acting in your own self interest- it will make you happier. And that’s what everyone really wants, right? Happiness? Good, I think we’re getting there…
…I think the area that is most begging to be discussed in more depth is this idea of being good being what we are “supposed” to do. “Says who?” you might ask. Well, in short, I think it’s either God, or it’s the nature of evolving life. The point is that our bodies and minds essentially direct us towards good, and away from bad, through the feelings we have when we act one way or the other. And acting in accordance with that is how we find happiness. Figuring out why doesn’t change that. In fact, even if the theory that we're supposed to be good is wrong, it doesn't change the fact that being good is essential to fully realizing happiness. Still, it is interesting to look into the idea that being good is a part of our purpose in life. I also want to address further that it’s not only being good in a “good vs. evil” way, but that treating others well, having a positive attitude, etc. is also- quite undoubtedly in my mind- what we are “supposed” to do.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Step 1: Identifying Step 1
Well it was a God-awful scene, At the bar down on King
In fact this whole night's been troubling to say the least
Phony friends, phony names, Exchanging numbers, playing games
Well I guess I should do the same, But it's just not me
The Films
There are so many places I could begin with this journey, it’s difficult to decide on one. But I’m going with addressing the questions of, “Would society even be able to function if everyone was honest?” and consequently, “Even if your blog did achieve its ridiculous aim, wouldn’t that just create more chaos and perhaps even lead to the downfall of society?” Well my response is that you’re essentially right, but you don’t have to be such a jerk about it.
I should clarify that when I talk about the honest society, I’m essentially also talking about the ideal society. The honest society is a society where it would be okay for everyone to tell the truth because everyone is well-intentioned, understanding, open-minded, and all of that. In fact, people would no longer even really consider lying about anything remotely serious, because they’d all have faith in each other. This may not sound practical now, and, honestly, there is no real chance we’ll see anything like this occur in our lifetime, and quite possibly not even in the lifetime of our species. But I for one am up for working towards it at the fastest rate possible. We may never reach perfection in any element of life, but I think it’s important to recognize our limitations, form realistic expectations, and then see how far we can go.
So… the first step I am setting forth in moving towards this honest, idealized society is gaining a real understanding of self. If you don’t have a clear grasp on yourself- your motives, desires and nature- then you will have a lot of trouble instituting positive change in your own life, let alone society as a whole. What I’m talking about here, in a nut shell, is being in touch with what makes you truly, lastingly happy (which is in my opinion, fortunately enough, in line with being a good person- an idea I will expand upon in the future)
There is some huge number of books devoted to this topic of the understanding of self. At the end of my first post, I mentioned that I have a library card… this is indeed a very essential tool for the life of this blog. All of these books on psychology, happiness, human nature and human potential, all rooted in fact (and/or logic), are great because someone else already did all the work for you, and simply tell you what they learned. So all of the opinion I set forth over the course of this blog is not just my own random musings based on my limited experience and analysis, but there is actually a professional backing to much of it is as well.
(In case you’re curious, two books that I will particularly be drawing from are Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and Authentic Happiness by Martin EP Seligman)
Right now, I’m going to draw directly from a book I just started reading called The Moral Animal: Why We Are the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology, by quoting it. The basic concept behind this book is that there are evolutionary (Darwinian) explanations for why we do what we do, feel what we feel, etc. Doesn’t sound too far-fetched, and it’s a philosophy I already started to take on to some extent before even finding out about this definitive, highly acclaimed work on the topic.
In the book’s introduction, author Robert Wright lays out the relevance of his book to his readers lives. So I’ll reproduce it below, because my blog shares many of the same lofty goals…
"This young and still inchoate discipline, with its partly fulfilled promise of creating a whole new science of mind, lets us now ask a question that couldn’t have been profitably asked in 1859, after the Origin (of Species) appeared, nor in 1959: What does the theory of natural selection have to offer ordinary human beings?
"For example: Can a Darwinian understanding of human nature help people reach their goals in life? Indeed, can it help them choose their goals? Can it help distinguish between practical and impractical goals? More profoundly, can it help in deciding which goals are worthy? That is, does knowing how evolution has shaped our basic moral impulses help us decide which impulses to consider legitimate?
"The answers, in my opinion, are: yes, yes, yes, yes, and finally, yes.”
So I think I can take it even a step further and ask, “Can a profound understanding of self be achieved? If so, is it an essential ingredient in leading the best, happiest life you are capable of? Do even 1% of people have something comparable to this type of understanding?
And the answers, in my opinion, are: yes, yes, and probably not. And I’ll tell you something else: Whether or not you have that level of understanding of self is like knowing if you’re in love. Plenty of people think they are, but they have doubt, and in the end, it’s like they always say, “When you know, you know.”
The last thing I want to say right now is that I personally don’t think you need to believe in evolutionary psychology to gain an understanding of your motives, yourself, and whatever else. I think the general principles that it outlines for leading “the good, meaningful life” are congruent with what is outlined by major religions, so take your pick. Again, I’ve only started the book, and it may turn out Robert Wright would disagree, but that is certainly my current opinion. In my next post I will try to outline more specifically what I mean about understanding yourself, and how to go about it.
(As a side note, the reason I mention evolutionary psychology is that I think if you’re not a particularly religious person it serves as a good- in fact, phenomenal- means for understanding and finding happiness in life. I will probably get into that more in the future, but you’ll have to read the book to gain a full understanding of the science.)
… This blog is being started in the midst of my journey to find meaning and true happiness in life. It was when I realized that I actually feel like I’m getting somewhere that I decided to publicize this journey, so there you go.
In fact this whole night's been troubling to say the least
Phony friends, phony names, Exchanging numbers, playing games
Well I guess I should do the same, But it's just not me
The Films
There are so many places I could begin with this journey, it’s difficult to decide on one. But I’m going with addressing the questions of, “Would society even be able to function if everyone was honest?” and consequently, “Even if your blog did achieve its ridiculous aim, wouldn’t that just create more chaos and perhaps even lead to the downfall of society?” Well my response is that you’re essentially right, but you don’t have to be such a jerk about it.
I should clarify that when I talk about the honest society, I’m essentially also talking about the ideal society. The honest society is a society where it would be okay for everyone to tell the truth because everyone is well-intentioned, understanding, open-minded, and all of that. In fact, people would no longer even really consider lying about anything remotely serious, because they’d all have faith in each other. This may not sound practical now, and, honestly, there is no real chance we’ll see anything like this occur in our lifetime, and quite possibly not even in the lifetime of our species. But I for one am up for working towards it at the fastest rate possible. We may never reach perfection in any element of life, but I think it’s important to recognize our limitations, form realistic expectations, and then see how far we can go.
So… the first step I am setting forth in moving towards this honest, idealized society is gaining a real understanding of self. If you don’t have a clear grasp on yourself- your motives, desires and nature- then you will have a lot of trouble instituting positive change in your own life, let alone society as a whole. What I’m talking about here, in a nut shell, is being in touch with what makes you truly, lastingly happy (which is in my opinion, fortunately enough, in line with being a good person- an idea I will expand upon in the future)
There is some huge number of books devoted to this topic of the understanding of self. At the end of my first post, I mentioned that I have a library card… this is indeed a very essential tool for the life of this blog. All of these books on psychology, happiness, human nature and human potential, all rooted in fact (and/or logic), are great because someone else already did all the work for you, and simply tell you what they learned. So all of the opinion I set forth over the course of this blog is not just my own random musings based on my limited experience and analysis, but there is actually a professional backing to much of it is as well.
(In case you’re curious, two books that I will particularly be drawing from are Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and Authentic Happiness by Martin EP Seligman)
Right now, I’m going to draw directly from a book I just started reading called The Moral Animal: Why We Are the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology, by quoting it. The basic concept behind this book is that there are evolutionary (Darwinian) explanations for why we do what we do, feel what we feel, etc. Doesn’t sound too far-fetched, and it’s a philosophy I already started to take on to some extent before even finding out about this definitive, highly acclaimed work on the topic.
In the book’s introduction, author Robert Wright lays out the relevance of his book to his readers lives. So I’ll reproduce it below, because my blog shares many of the same lofty goals…
"This young and still inchoate discipline, with its partly fulfilled promise of creating a whole new science of mind, lets us now ask a question that couldn’t have been profitably asked in 1859, after the Origin (of Species) appeared, nor in 1959: What does the theory of natural selection have to offer ordinary human beings?
"For example: Can a Darwinian understanding of human nature help people reach their goals in life? Indeed, can it help them choose their goals? Can it help distinguish between practical and impractical goals? More profoundly, can it help in deciding which goals are worthy? That is, does knowing how evolution has shaped our basic moral impulses help us decide which impulses to consider legitimate?
"The answers, in my opinion, are: yes, yes, yes, yes, and finally, yes.”
So I think I can take it even a step further and ask, “Can a profound understanding of self be achieved? If so, is it an essential ingredient in leading the best, happiest life you are capable of? Do even 1% of people have something comparable to this type of understanding?
And the answers, in my opinion, are: yes, yes, and probably not. And I’ll tell you something else: Whether or not you have that level of understanding of self is like knowing if you’re in love. Plenty of people think they are, but they have doubt, and in the end, it’s like they always say, “When you know, you know.”
The last thing I want to say right now is that I personally don’t think you need to believe in evolutionary psychology to gain an understanding of your motives, yourself, and whatever else. I think the general principles that it outlines for leading “the good, meaningful life” are congruent with what is outlined by major religions, so take your pick. Again, I’ve only started the book, and it may turn out Robert Wright would disagree, but that is certainly my current opinion. In my next post I will try to outline more specifically what I mean about understanding yourself, and how to go about it.
(As a side note, the reason I mention evolutionary psychology is that I think if you’re not a particularly religious person it serves as a good- in fact, phenomenal- means for understanding and finding happiness in life. I will probably get into that more in the future, but you’ll have to read the book to gain a full understanding of the science.)
… This blog is being started in the midst of my journey to find meaning and true happiness in life. It was when I realized that I actually feel like I’m getting somewhere that I decided to publicize this journey, so there you go.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Mission Statement
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's to the wall
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth
Vampire Weekend
First the window, then it's to the wall
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth
Vampire Weekend
What would life be like if everybody only told the truth?
This was the original idea that led me to create this blog. And I wondered this because I think that the question raised by the above lyric is valid. Why would you lie about anything at all?
Obviously murderers, swindlers, rapists, etc. lie and we can all agree that this isn’t good human behavior, and we can feel good about judging them and saying we wouldn’t tell lies for the same reasons they do. But what about all the lying that has become ingrained in the ways of our society? Guys lie, mislead and manipulate girls to sleep with them. We all lie and misrepresent in order to move ahead in the workplace, and in some cases, in purely social circles. People lie to their friends and family about their plans for the night, their feelings towards each other, their reasons for doing the things that they do. And it may not always be a straight-up lie, but certainly, for one reason or another, there are a whole lot of things we’re not comfortable telling each other about what we think, what we do, and why we do what we do.
I know that to some degree we have all wondered about this, but in the end just settle on that it doesn't really matter, because that's just the way it is. But in reality, there are reasons for this- human nature, the structure of society, etc. I'm just not ready to accept that we can't do better. And I think the path to doing better is the same as it is with solving any problem- the first step of which is understanding it.
So... why can’t we just admit to all our failures, shortcomings, and lapses in judgment? Why must we attempt to hide them from others? Is it because other people are so helplessly closed-minded, judgmental, and eager to step on each other when anything that can be perceived as a weakness is displayed, that we must avoid showing any imperfections unless absolutely necessary?
And why can’t people be clearer, and more upfront about their intentions and feelings in any given situation? Is it because we know that we are such self-centered, bad-intentioned creatures that everyone would hate us if they found out what we were really thinking all the time… even though, assumedly, they think the same way?
I think that both of those answers are true to some degree.. but I for one am not ready to just sit back and accept them. I’m not even ready to compromise that it’s some toned-down combination of the two, and lying is just our way making it easier to live with. Not yet. For I believe that humans, by nature, want to be good. First, we want to survive... with that covered, yes, we want to be good.
That is why we feel guilt about lying and doing “bad” things. That’s why the superficial and the power hungry (among others) have to sacrifice clear-headedness and even the prospect of lasting, authentic happiness when they value money, power and image at the expense of good.
My dream is of a society where it’s okay to tell your boss you were late for work because you felt you needed the extra half hour of rest. Where friends don’t tell other friends they’re too tired to go out, or they have to catch up on work when really they just don’t feel like doing what you’re doing. I dream of the day that it’s okay to tell a friend he’s being self-centered, vein, or prejudiced, because the endlessness of human imperfection has been fully accepted as our nature and our way of life.
So that is why I have created this blog- to get outlandishly carried away with myself, and to see what I can figure out in the process. This topic, for me, raises many many questions about human nature, what we are capable of, and ultimately, what we can do to lead meaningful lives that forward the growth and betterment of our species.
...To think I can find definitive answers to these questions would be stupidly ambitious of me, but then again, not to try and to find out everything I can would be, well, at least as meaningless. I know this all sounds vague and maybe naive, but in future posts I will get specific about these ideas, with evidence and references, and we'll see how far we can go. I’ve got a library card, a college education and a computer. Gotta start somewhere…
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