Understanding Our Motives: The Benefit of Being Good

You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now, star
'Cause that's your best bet
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We’re all familiar with the way that children incessantly ask, “Why?” I think the way that this classically ends is with the adult getting frustrated, yelling, “I don’t know, that’s just the way it is!” and somehow forcibly separating himself from the inquisitive mind. The interesting thing about this situation is that if it wasn’t some squeaky voiced kid with a chocolate milk stain on his chin asking you these questions, but someone you actually had to justify yourself to (i.e. you questioning yourself), and you really tried to come up with a satisfying answer to each question, this could be a very helpful exercise. So this post is basically about the conclusions I draw from that line of questioning.

So let’s cut out all the individualized, matter-of-preference stuff and get down to this theoretical starting point, “Why?”
“Because I want to be a good person.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be happy, and fulfilled, and have meaning in my life.”

Now we can stop there, for now, because we’ve already raised the hugely complex question of: How does being a good person lead to a happy, fulfilled, meaningful life?

(Before I go on, I’d just like to point out that it’s a shame how many people, when asked “Why?” over and over again, would go from “Because I need money” to “Because I want to be happy” and never address questions of what gives them deep, lasting happiness, overwhelming joy, fulfillment or meaning- they’ve kind of given up on those vague ideas and settled for something lesser.)

Many people say that you will have to compromise just how good of a person you are in order to be happy. If you are infinitely nice, honest, respectful, people will walk all over you and you’ll never be able to find success in the real world. Well, I agree with that. It’s like I said in my first post, survival takes precedence over being good.

Additionally, beyond pure survival, I personally would probably also side with the people who would rather live comfortably and be able to comfortably support their family than be nice and honest to every single person they meet. And I’m not giving away everything to charity that isn’t absolutely essential to my survival. I am, however, working towards being as good as I can while also achieving my goals.

So at this point, you may be like, “Right, well we all try to get what we want while also trying to be good people.” I agree generally. We all want to find "success" while also being good people, but that is not how many of us actually live day-to-day. Because by being good, I don’t just mean being “not bad”. I’m talking about being positive, supporting each other, seeking out justice… I’m talking about making it known to a person through the way you communicate with them that you think they are capable of great things. Avoiding doing anything like misleading or embarrassing someone, or in any small way hurting someone else for your own benefit. And I don’t just recommend this for the sake of trying to uphold a moral code- I recommend it because I think it is in our nature to desire to be this way, and acting in accordance with that is what brings about happiness in life.

Now there are certainly naturally occurring motives for self-centeredness, pessimism, putting others down. I would just argue that these motives are the ones we want to move away from… and- to get both more profound and more controversial- we are “supposed” to move away from.

My logic here, as motivated in part by many psychologists, scientists, and the books of Martin Seligman and Robert Wright, is that there is a reason we feel good when doing good things, and bad when doing bad things. Guilt, jealousy, and even the mild headache that comes along with pessimism- these are all bad feelings that essentially come from our bodies- our nature- telling us to avoid doing the things that cause them. Why else would we as humans have these feelings? They certainly don’t benefit us from a pure survival standpoint.

This is also why we see that glaring lack of true, honest happiness (as well as the lack of mental clarity) that comes with being a bully, thief, or scheming CEO. Your body and your nature just won’t allow you to feel happy and fulfilled if you conduct yourself like that. These people miss out on the very best things in life, and engrain several unnecessary bad feelings into their moment-to-moment life, simply because their idea of what’s best for their own self-interest is way off.

To me, the fact that our body rewards us with feelings of happiness for doing truly good things, and punishes us with negative emotion when we do even remotely bad things, is enough for me to make a real attempt at doing as much good as I can, and as little bad as I can.

Thus, it is my recommendation that you get in touch with both what you do and the ways you think that lead to positive feelings, as well as the ones that lead to negative feelings. Then increase the activities that make you feel really good and fulfilled, and decrease the ones that lead to dissatisfaction and negativity. Find the optimum balance. And don’t worry about this making you stupidly optimistic and positive- most of us have enough negativity and doubt engrained into our thought patterns that we can't legitimately run this risk.

Of course “being good” isn’t all we need to do to find happiness, but it’s certainly and unmistakably an essential ingredient. So yes, if you are a good person you will, in my mind, almost undoubtedly be happier and lead a better life.

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A major counterpoint when I bring something like this up in discussion is an extension of the idea that society is too evil for people to try and be good all time- again, you’ll be taken advantage of and have trouble really getting anywhere in life. Well, if this is your stance, I think you’re reading me as a little more idealistic than I am. You don’t have to be perfectly and undoubtedly good in all your actions- just make an effort to do it as much as possible. As an extreme example, if you’re going to be murdered, I of course endorse taking whatever actions of self-defense are necessary. The thing is, to me, you know this is okay to do because your body doesn’t really fill you with those feelings of guilt when you do it. And yes, I think there’s a reason for that: defending yourself was what you were “supposed” to do, so your body/mind is not going to punish you.

All I’m saying is that when you are making a decision or action and you know (or at least you would know if you really thought about it) that a negative emotion (whether it be guilt or some other negative feeling) will come along with it- rethink it, and try to avoid it. Not just because it’s the “right” thing to do by some subjective moral guideline, but because being “good” is actually acting in your own self interest- it will make you happier. And that’s what everyone really wants, right? Happiness? Good, I think we’re getting there…

…I think the area that is most begging to be discussed in more depth is this idea of being good being what we are “supposed” to do. “Says who?” you might ask. Well, in short, I think it’s either God, or it’s the nature of evolving life. The point is that our bodies and minds essentially direct us towards good, and away from bad, through the feelings we have when we act one way or the other. And acting in accordance with that is how we find happiness. Figuring out why doesn’t change that. In fact, even if the theory that we're supposed to be good is wrong, it doesn't change the fact that being good is essential to fully realizing happiness. Still, it is interesting to look into the idea that being good is a part of our purpose in life. I also want to address further that it’s not only being good in a “good vs. evil” way, but that treating others well, having a positive attitude, etc. is also- quite undoubtedly in my mind- what we are “supposed” to do.