Canceling "The Dating Game"

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy.
The Beatles

In my recent readings about evolutionary psychology, something was clarified to me that I found interesting, even if not too surprising. What this science does, if you aren’t too familiar with it, is help clarify why people do the things they do, want what they want, and feel what they feel. For example, there’s a reason it feels good to have sex: if genes that didn’t find sex pleasurable were at one time in competition with genes that did find it pleasurable, then those species that carried the “pleasurable sex” gene of course had sex more often, and thus reproduced, lived on, and the gene spread to the point that it is the norm. It’s important to realize that even if we only think about desiring sex because it’s pleasurable and fun, and ignore the fact that our desire to have sex often is directly correlated to our natural, genetic tendency to want to reproduce, the fact remains that our genetics are the underlying, driving force.

So the thing I was reading about recently was that men are, by nature, less selective with their sexual partners than women simply because they haven’t had to be as selective. When there were no societal constraints, men were allowed to have sex, pass their genes along, and go off and do it again without having to tend to the mother and child. They had to make no investment beyond the time it took to have sex… whereas women were kind of stuck with the obligation of making sure their genes lived on.

Also, women cannot reproduce as frequently as men, and have fewer years where they are capable of reproduction. Women can only have so many children in their lifetime, so they have to make sure that when they do, they are having them with the best mates/genes they can find. Men, on the other hand, are free to play the numbers game and spread their seed through as many partners as are willing. Over time, men have tended to realize that it is better for their offspring if they stay around and supply them with resources, so the gene that signals parental investment has lived on. But even today, many men don’t seem to feel that obligation. There is no denying that women are inherently making a greater investment when they agree to reproduce than men are.

This is why women have the natural tendency towards being selective about their partners. By nature, they have more to lose if they make the wrong choice. Even if in modern society women aren’t reasoning out in their heads, “I only want to sleep with a guy who has good genes and will stick around and be a good father in the event I get pregnant,” they still have that tendency to be selective. Today, with contraceptives readily available, women know that they can go out into the singles market, find someone to sleep with for the pleasure of it, and have little risk of getting pregnant. But nevertheless, that feeling that they can’t just give it up to anyone is still there, clearly, and more so than in men.

So there are these genetic forces still affecting us today, and setting up the pattern of the dating game that women are generally more coy, and men generally more eager. Women still require more from their potential partner to make sex desirable… at least on average.

Because of this, one could argue that it’s natural for men to lie and misrepresent themselves in favor of passing on their genes as many times as possible. In fact, those that were good at this surely have been more capable of spreading their genes over time than those who weren’t, so it makes sense that this skill would be abundant. But at the same time, it’s important to recognize that women have been increasing their ability to identify when the male is trying to mislead her. It makes sense that the women throughout history who were good at screening their partners and thus finding the alpha male to reproduce with would be the ones whose genes would survive, since their children are thereby stronger and better cared for by their parents.

Okay, so now we understand why things are the way that they are; why we tend to play the "“mislead / be wary of people trying to mislead you” game. Once this is acknowledged, does it not seem somewhat silly, and perhaps unnecessary? I would also suggest that this setup can be inhibiting to not only our dating lives, but to our personal development as well.

Our current dating game causes a lot of distress while we’re in it… and even when people think they’ve won, 50% of the time they end up back where they started. I think it’s time to identify the inherent flaws in what we do now, and move towards something more honest, satisfying and effective.


…So the basic problem out there is that people who possess undesirable, and in some way unhealthy qualities (could be insecure, mean-spirited, insensitive, generally incapable, needy or generally unlikely to think through the consequences of their actions) go out into the dating scene and try to pretend that they aren’t that way, often through some form of manipulation, rather than addressing the deeper issues.

Now this isn’t actually so bad in general terms, because none of us are perfect but we still want to date- but it is a problem when a person doesn’t even fully recognize that they have a problem. The classic example of this is the jerk that manipulates women into sleeping with him, and eventually cheats on his wife and leaves his family. He is able to get by in our current dating game by manipulating others, and thus doesn’t have the need to identify what is wrong with what he’s doing.

Another classic example, who I don’t like to be as harsh on, is the guy who is highly insecure or awkward for some reason or another, but just keeps going out there and avoids taking the necessary steps to correct his inhibiting flaws. Often it is the confusion involved in the game, along with a lack of clarity as to what traits would be truly desirable, that inhibits his ability change.

The point here is that if you aren’t someone who would reasonably be considered to be a fairly ideal mate (with all manipulation and misconceptions cleared away), nor are you working to become as close to that as one could reasonably expect, there are always going to be more problems. And the dating game, as it is now, is pushing people more in the wrong direction than right.

Now, one thing about all of this is that I’m kind of assuming people are looking for potential husbands and wives when they go out, when often they are just looking for a good time. So in this instance, is there any problem with a mutual manipulation that ends with two people satisfying their desires? I suppose not… but it’s not as good as two people genuinely liking each other and sleeping together and simply not worrying about commitment, without involving all the games. Also, people all too often allow themselves to simply say, “I just want to have fun for awhile before marriage,” manipulate people into sleeping with them, surely mislead and hurt some along the way, and during this time frame don’t really do anything to make themselves into suitable happy-marriage material.

And the important thing to remember about that is that doing so isn't even really serving the person's self-interest. Not only because they are not ideal marriage material, but because in the end sleeping with many people without the intent of reproduction isn’t deeply satisfying (though it does satisfy some desires quite well). And I believe it’s particularly unsatisfying when a misrepresentation of self was necessary to achieve it.

And the reason that this lifestyle lacks in satisfaction is simple when looked at from an evolutionary point of view: Today, a person doesn’t get to actually reproduce until their partner has fully evaluated them. (At least, that is what we generally try to do) So random, meaningless sex is not deeply satisfying because you are aware, on some level, that despite your ability to get people to sleep with you under superficial circumstances, none of the most intelligent ones- the “alpha males and females”- are actually going to want to reproduce with you once they get to know you.

To go back to what I touched upon earlier, it is a reasonable conclusion that those who are actually genetically inferior in terms of intelligence (among other things) would be the ones who are best at pretending to be good mates, since they would have developed this skill out of necessity to survive. So perhaps we shouldn’t expect any different from them…

…In contrast, if you’re someone like me who actually is a great potential mate, and plenty of women want to sleep with you (not as much like me) for the pleasure of it, even without the intention of reproducing… I don’t see much problem with that…


The final question then is, should us “superior” people play the “mislead and impress” game anyway, because at this point it’s so widely played that to sit out will leave you sad and alone? Well, maybe to some degree. We all have to find out for ourselves. If you’re deeply unsatisfied not playing it, give it a shot and then evaluate how much better you feel, and whether or not it’s bringing you towards your goals in life. But I also think that if you have been playing it, you have to give not playing it a shot and see where that gets you. Because fortunately I think that these days there are enough people, even young people, who can see right through that game that we don’t need it to find satisfactory partners- and when we do, it’s deep satisfaction, too, because it was the true self that drew the attraction.

In the end, to me, if you can’t really attract a mate with your true self, then that means you’ve probably got some serious, underlying issues to deal with and/or skills to develop if you want to live a deeply happy and satisfying life. And simply trying to make it seem like you don’t have those issues isn’t going to work (or if it does, know that it’s a copout, and will lead to problems down the road). Of course, most people may not have the ability or will to aptly confront these issues. I just think that those of us who are capable of thriving without this “dating game” need to make the majority adapt to us, rather than adapting to them.